My grandmother once told me, “Millie, you are the bookend. You are the end and the beginning.”
I think about this moment all the time. I think about what it means, how it is or isn’t true…
In Truth, I have always struggled to accept my names. Particularly the one given to me by my biological endorsements. You see, to be named is to be nominated for something.
My parents named me: Millicent: Strong in Work; variant of Militant. And to be honest, I have never been strong in work! I was born an old soul ready to retire. I was however, warrior strong, a fighter and a survivor.
My last name: Martinez, ultimately means child of war. On the East Coast, people call me Millie.
Then I went into the jungle, lived with the tribes, drank ayahuasca, climbed Machu Pichu, ate Peyote, sat with more tribes and swelled in the culture of the ancients. I was renamed Jardin (which I respelled as Jordynn). This means the garden of transformation. And certainly, I have been that. In the West Coast, they call me jo. And though I accepted this, a secret quiet strain existed inside of me about it.
In May of 2020 I decided to burn 60+ journals I had filled with words, poems, art, stories, letters… life.
(This picture is from 2019 where few of those stood at my window sill.)
Like a mad woman I started ripping up pages and tossing them into the fire while music played loudly for all to hear. I needed to let go of all the weight I had been carrying since 2012. I needed a breeze that could lift me up and create movement in my life.
To light fire to such creations is a special kind of ritual; a special kind of activation… like lighting incense to bring in the Gods, but for some reason, I decided to rip out certain pages and tuck them safely away in a Ziploc bag and put ash to the rest.
As I packed for my current travels, I decided to pull them out of safe keeping and take those journal pages with me… because why not?
About 2:30 am the other night, a spirit of a friend awoke me; which I thought was interesting because I had thought of him days before. There was a smell of burning like something was on fire. My chest felt tight and air kept escaping me. I tried to ignore it, expecting to hear sirens because surely there was a home or something on fire. But nothing came. And I couldn’t ignore it so I got out of bed to investigate.
Nothing was on, the stove was fine, the AC unit was fine, the fans were fine. No candles. I went outside and it felt like a typical tropical summer night. The crickets were chirping. The frogs ribbetting. There were no sirens, no fires… there was hardly any cloud in sight. Just stars looking down. All was calm. So where was this coming from?
I attempted to lay back down and as I closed my eyes I saw my friend again. He came with that same scorched smell. His name is Avel Fernandez.
I saw his bald head and bright smile, wearing all white clothing – Mexican suave style. I said to myself, what are you doing here? Maybe I should reach out to you and see how you are, how the babies are. Maybe you can help me get some new life insurance. I mean, I did survive 2020 but you know… World War 3 is upon us and I am after all, in your Motherland. The least I can do is check-in.
It had been at least 5 years since I spoke to him. We were just about the only Latinos in our cohort. We grew up… Latin & Military & White… basically. We were your typical high school & college friends. We were in Marching Band together, we were beer pong & Guitar Hero champions…
One day I drank so much I passed out asleep on his front lawn. I didn't wake up until the neighbors auto sprinklers came on. Another time I slept over from another victorious night of drinking and I accidentally bled on his sheets from my menstrual. LOL! These are all details you could probably due without, but he was the dude of my yesteryear. And these were the thoughts I was having as I laid in bed.
As I turned my body over, again I saw him in my mind’s eye so clearly. Shocked at my own thoughts… I said, Why am I seeing you? What are you doing in my mind at 3am! Get outta here! And I heard him sort of chuckle as he came closer to pull the sheet from the bed, laughingly saying, “Get up.”
The charring aroma felt so real, it was as if I had been sleeping in unwashed campfire hair. I shot right out of bed and grabbed my chest. Like a wild animal, I flared my nostrils and just started sniffing everywhere. “Where was this burning smell coming from?” I wondered. And then, I walked up to the little wooden handmade bookshelf and found the smell. My books and journals smelled like fresh burning pages.
And then it hit me…
W A I T.
Why AM I seeing you like this?
Wait… What?
Wait… no… NO!!
W H A T ?
I don’t believe.
My spirit was churning as I grabbed the pages and ran over to my laptop.
Facebook. I don’t use Facebook, but it’s the only place that holds records of the days of old… and so I knew Facebook would know.
He died on July 4th.
I stood up so fast and was like No… No… Avel!! No… What!! How could I have not known. Why didn’t I check Facebook more often? What in the absolute fuckery is this???? AVEL?!?!?!
My mind was racing. Where was I when this happened? Why would I not know this?? I grabbed my laptop, and held it tightly to my chest as I sunk to the floor, crying in utter devastation.
Several moments later, another wave of smoke came across my nose. My chest felt constricted and my head became dazed. And so I said, “ok… Ok… I am here. I am here… show me what I need to see.”
The spiritual meaning of smelling smoke when there is no fire around is a sign that someone has died. It signifies the presence of a spiritual being. Smelling smoke can be interpreted as a sign of spiritual awakening, that something divine and powerful is at work.
As I re-opened my computer, my Instagram tab automatically opened. The first story was my friend Irie Love and her music video: All the Light. I listened and then listened again. I sobbed as I felt her sing directly to me. I needed someone to speak to the grief inside, and she did exactly that.
I do not believe in such a thing as coincidence. I do, however, believe in divine appointments. Her lyrics say:
“Reach for your highest highs. You’ll find the other side Protected by your guides
Cuz no one ever really dies
Don’t turn away
Here what I say”
Holding in agreement of what I know to be true, I gave myself away to this notion. That’s when I noticed I had frantically tossed the opened Ziploc bag of journal paper onto the floor. The pages that spilled out were of a journal entry from May 06 2015. It was the day I graduated from my Master’s Program, the day Seattle offered me a job and most notably... it was Avel’s birthday.
It said:
“START: I wonder where that word comes from. Hmm. I feel like “Start,” is the ending of a beginning. The Dictionary says: Start – To force an animal from its lair.
Spiritually speaking, Start is the contraction of a sacred pulse that grants the forte of transformation. (*scribbled out, yet still legible I continue to write: that ‘pulse’ is the active summoning power expressing itself – exerting itself to call out the soul of the true self.)
Start it is the manifestation of the intrinsic active summoning power calling forth the removal of the soul from the middle ground.
Start is the power and strength to bring out the true self from the mud of mind.
To Start is to free the soul…”
Stunned…
And I mean, paralyzed by the events…
I looked at the time: 3:44am
I took a deep breath and said, “Okay. Then let us start.”
As you know… I have been on a journey of wholeness. What I know to be true is that you will never find wholeness in someone else, let alone someone else’s name.
We have made a mistake by identifying exclusively with our consciousness, by imagining that we are only what we know about. There is much more to us, parts that speak in tongues that take getting used to. Truly, we need to lend a very attentive ear to the strange myths of the mind and see what happens when we compare it to indoctrinations of thought concepts and the rhetoric of orthodox traditions.
My grandmother said to me, “Millie, you are the bookend. You are the end and the beginning.”
And Now I understand.
Now… with complete confidence, I have peace.
I NOW Know My True Name…
But this is all I will give you today.
Time is so fleeting. Take the time to let the people you treasure know how important they have been in your life. Offer real conversation instead of the delinquency of the mundane. These moments we have are all we have... spend them wisely.
Rest in Power Avel. Thank you for coming to me. Thank you for being a male role model. Thank you for showing me kindness and compassion. Thank you for allowing me to know you in your life. Thank you for accepting me as I am. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for agreeing to be a guide in this existence. I love you.
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